words from my deathbed

ok, i have been sick for almost 2 weeks and i am considering ending my life. it all started one cold & wretched monday morning (feb. 11th, to be exact) with a cold (ok, not so bad) and i assumed it was all uphill from there. but no. i started feeling worse, everyday, as the week went on. then lee became sick and because his work sucks ass, he couldn't take any sick days. anyway, back to me. i would feel like crap in the morning and fine during the day, when i usually keep myself busy, and then by evening feeling completely "under the weather". this little routine went on for about 10 days and because i am never one to stand still for long and because i refuse to be a slave to sickness and/or my house, i didn't rest and therefore became more and more sick. By the following sunday, lee and i felt ok but not great so we used this rare opportunity to stay home and REST. I think it was the first day since having children that we all stayed in our pj's all day, doing nothing (except for Scarlett-that girl has to be dressed to the nines no matter what). We mostly just lay our lifeless bodies around, doing nothing but eating, reading, resting, etc. First of all, you should know that i am one of those people who feels guilty for everything. i don't know about you but if my kids watch more than one movie a day, i feel guilty. if i don't play with them every single day or as much as i "should" (who's to say what enough is anyway?), i feel guilty. if we don't get dressed one day & do something productive, i feel guilty. if i tell my girls to keep an eye on each other for a bit "while mommy rests", i feel guilty. basically, i feel guilt about everything. so as the week unfolds, i am really really REALLY wanting to rest but feel it is impossible and that the guilt would be insurmountable! so i keep pushing myself and pushing (mind you, lee is working and doing school this whole time so i am basically on my own until the weekend and even then he works saturdays) until finally this last wednesday night, the fiery wrath of the influenza begins. i begin to ache all over and from that point i know it is ALL OVER for me. i wake up at 3am thursday and take a bath, my body violently shaking, teeth chattering so quick and so hard my jaw is completely exhausted and sore the following day. so all day thursday i am in bed. my poor little scarlett is left to fend for herself whenever possible, watching 2, 3, maybe even (plug your ears, cover your mouth, & gasp!) 4 movies! playing babies, ponies, polly pockets, dare i say, all by herself! and getting food? oh don't get me started. she probably ate one nutritious meal that day. well, maybe not, actually. at least she did get some bananas and oranges herself. oh, the guilt. the guilt is enough to kill me. i did manage to read about 3 books to her before i finally said "that's enough" (i was really trying to trick her in to taking a nap with me. yeah, doesn't work with her) so thursday carries on like so, seemingly never-ending, with about 4 baths throughout the day, with calls to lee every so often asking when he's coming home? can he leave early? can he get me this medicine and this medicine at the store? can you go pick up some dinner? etc. poor guy, feeling not-so-hot himself. :( then we begin friday with another 3am bath, teeth chattering, violent body-shaking, and fever. great. so basically friday carries on like thursday, with scarlett playing babies, polly pockets, ponies, happily, by herself, watching movies, playing games, etc. this whole time i am in and out of consciousness and i hear her laughing and playing and i realize that she is actually OK, that she doesn't need my constant attention. and that i won't die from guilt! she played babies for 2 WHOLE HOURS while i slept in my room; i could hear her in the next room. i felt so terrible & achey that i called one of london's friend's parents and had them pick her up from school because the thought of getting up and out of the house, just to get her from school, required too much effort. the day ended (after my bath, of course) with lee, myself, and the girls eating leftover pizza and going to bed at 8pm and waking up at 7:30am! today i feel a little better, enough to be blogging, i suppose. so after all is said and done, i realized that 10 baths, 1.5 bottles of nyquil, 10 tylenol, 2 packets of theraflu, 2 ibuprofen, 1.5 boxes of tissues strewn around the house, and 3 cough drops later, no one is going to die from illness or guilt, today or tomorrow. happy day! oh and seriously, can i just say that when i am sick i look like a total hag? for real. you know how when people are sick they just smell like, sick? that is me, even though i have bathed literally 10 times in the last 2.5 days. i haven't shaved, cut my toenails, scrubbed my feet in about 12 days, i have 3 in. roots and even though i brush my teeth, i wake up with this filmy white crap over my teeth, that coats my whole mouth and somehow ends up on my lips, making them feel dry. i'm sure lee is wondering what sort of monster has morphed that he climbs in bed with each and every night . god bless him for it, that's for sure!