such a perfect day. i'm glad i spent it with you.

yesterday, all i wanted was to feel the spirit in my home. yesterday, all i got was the opposite. from 9am to 12pm, my life was in perfect alignment. nothing frightened me. i felt spiritual. i hungered for more. i was in church. i know, i know, church, blah, blah, blah. but i know with absolute surety that the lessons were prepared just for me. i was meant to be there yesterday. it was all about me. i was a struggling ward missionary, who was thrown into that calling with no direction, no idea of what i was supposed to be doing so i do nothing; the talks in sacrament were all about the importance of missionary work. i second-guess myself all the time on my knowledge of the scriptures; i sat next to the 2nd counselor of relief society who kept asking questions that i, for once, could answer. i lack faith most of the time, in most aspects of my life; the lesson in r.s. was all about joseph smith. his faith, determination. prayer. all the things i have been lacking. after church, i was being sought out by the bishopric and was called to be a church service missionary for the young single adults, along with lee; we were given 2 PAGES OF INSTRUCTIONS. if that isn't God listening, i don't know what is. i left feeling so full. i wanted nothing to interfere. i left feeling like a new person. i wanted to carry that spirit all the way home and revel in it forever....

the rest of my day was filled with dirty dishes, a messy house, coked-out children running around, screaming & fighting, and when getting along, playing so loudly i couldn't think. lee and i even discussed things we wanted to start doing to keep the sabbath day holy, to feel the spirit in our home. exactly, we talked about it. that's as far as it went. after dinner, i thought, "oh. let's all play a game". bad idea. we chose cranium's jam pack jam, where you try to fit all these different objects in the back of a jeep before the time runs out, everyone yelling (mostly me) "GO! GO! GO!". okay, let me just say these types of games get me all riled up. i feel anxious, like its the end of the world if i don't (or anyone else) fit the suitcase, the fish tank, the tub, AND the guitar all in. i was already so irritable. i couldn't get through it. scarlett was driving me insane by not playing "correctly" (she's 3, mind you). i just got up and said, "i can't do this anymore". then my kids followed, "me neither". oh crap. anyway, after a little squabbling amongst all parties, i convinced lee he needed to put them to bed even though he had done it the past 3 nights (we take turns-me: mon.-wed., him: thurs.-sat., both-sun), even though it was only 7pm. after some yelling, some crying, & some stories i go up to the girls room for family prayer (still annoyed at this point), where i am asked to give the prayer. great. just my luck. after a somewhat monotone, striving-to-be-heartfelt prayer, i lay with each of my children for a minute, give kisses, say good night and go back downstairs to resume reading talks on the church website (i really was trying). when lee got downstairs we chatted. he knew i was annoyed. and if anyone knows my husband, you know he is the master communicator and can get almost anything out of me, in a tricky sort of fashion. he knows how i am feeling more than i do. he describes MY feelings to a T, where i just say, "um, i don't know how i'm feeling". anyway, after a few minutes of his "guessing" i break down, sobbing, and in a matter of minutes i discover & reveal all i want: to feel the spirit more in my home, to not got to bed feeling guilty for anything, to go to bed feeling like i accomplished everything i set out to do that day, to fulfill my new calling, to be a better saint, to do everything i am supposed to do, to feel loved by my heavenly father, to stop yelling at my children for every little thing, to feel like i have control over the important things in my life (family, health, finances, etc.) i want perfection. i am a perfectionist.

after all was said and done, with lee making me feel like i was on top of the world again, i realized my wanting these things had brought the power of the adversary, as with Joseph Smith's first prayer. as with Christ in the garden of gethsemane. all they wanted was righteous and after fighting with that power, they received the things they sought. and their work went on. i had so many realizations yesterday that i cannot deny. neither can i deny that satan was doing all he could to convince me to just give up. i'm the type of person who (megan knows this) does the exact opposite of what i am asked/told to do. i won't give up. for the sake of my family i can't give up.

my story continues with me awaking this morning at 6am (no alarm clock) with renewed vigor & vitality, where i made a healthy breakfast for my family, read scriptures, had family prayer, and sent husband and child off to work and school with a packed lunch, a kiss, and a loving smile. ahhh, the sweet smell of perfection.