i have a dilema that i know is part of normal parenting. my kids suck at listening. for real. well, at least i thought it was part of normal parenting. it seems whenever i ask other kids to do stuff or i am around to hear their parents ask them to get something done, i hear a resounding, "yes". it may take the parents asking a few times but it gets done, without yelling; this i perceive as normal.
when it comes to my kids, however, i have to ask 50 times, count, yell, threat, repeat & repeat some more. i get responses such as, "hold on", " i will", "i don't want to", "why do i have to?", or a blatant stomp around the house. i feel like i (have to) follow them around, bark out orders, specific orders, mind you, & breathe down their necks or it doesn't get done. or it gets done half-assed. i know that if i don' t hound, it really will not get done. i know that "all parents" say they "yell" but i really don't believe most people "yell" in the same way as myself. i am...loud, on occasion.
i used to think, in my years of parenting naivity, that yelling accomplished nothing. now, maybe when they're younger it doesn't. but i am finding that if i don't raise my voice, nothing gets done. it's a sad, sad fact. and by fact, i mean in my opinion, of course.
i realize i am partly to blame- i am an impatient person by nature. ok, not by nature but i've been conditioned to be this way. impatience is a condition that gets me where i need to be on time, almost always, but it also gets me angry & riled up. often. i hate to wait. i have tried numerous times to be patient with my children when asking them to do chores. fail. i have tried to count, patiently, to get them to hurry/finish jobs. fail. i have tried asking them once to do something & see waht happens, only to find they've started playing instead. fail. i don't know what else to do.
i'm thinking of starting a "consequence jar" which is, a jar containing strips of paper that each have a job/consequence listed such as "clean a toilet", "wash the bathroom mirror", "clean the sink" "hug your sister, kindly, for one whole minute". you get the idea. anytime they complain, disobey, or in place of when i would begin counting, i remind them once of the jar & if they need to be reminded again i whip that jar out faster than they can say "poopy diaper" and bam! they get a consequence. i think i could be onto something here. i don't know. is this too tough & mean? my daughters are only 5 & 8. is this age-appropriate? what kinds of things do you do to get your children to obey? and please don't tell me you "yell" cause i think i will vomit. it isn't true. you don't yell.
i guess, if you really look at it, this post is basically me trying to get the ok from you to yell at my kids, for you to tell me that it's not so bad. hmm. how devious of me.
10 comments:
Hey Ray do YOU like being yelled at?? No one does.
If you are asking them 50 + times to do things then of course they aren't getting done. Your kids are smart and they know how to work you. I give my kids a 5 second time limit when I ask them to do something and if they don't do it by the time I count down from 5 t 1 they have to go into their rooms for a "quiet time" or "time out". Most of the time they will do what I want before I get to 1 but sometimes a time out is necessary.
Your kids need to know that you mean business! Try coming up with a # (other than 50) that you like and stick with that as their time limit and actually do the counting down outloud for them. If time outs aren't reasonable for your older kids than take away one of their favorite "things" and tell them that they can have that "thing" back after they do what you want. Also keep their "thing in your hands for as many minutes as they are old. Now I think that this only worked with us after a few days of trying, so don't give up! Let me know if this is helpful for you :)
xoxoxoxoxo
thanks. of course i don't like being yelled at. i wasn't saying that they should like it or that i should continue doing it.
i've gone to bed countless nights feeling guilty for yelling at them, saying i'm going to try harder the next day.
i've tried some of the things you've suggested and i'll try the others. thanks for your input. i'm sure i've made an ass of myself writing this post. oh well.
thanks again!
Have you tried bopping them on the nose with a wooden spoon, yet?
Of course you're the only one that yells at your kids, duh :) NOT.
Geez I too sometimes feel like that, like I'm a horrible mom and then I wonder if yelling is abuse, I sure hope not :) But we can't help it right when they ACT like they didn't hear ya.
I confess I too have not found (yet) a wonderful technique that works w/ my kids. So I give them the first warning, on the second they get time out, on the third I ground them from something they love to DO. Of course that all depends how long my wits is that particular day. For Felipe grounding works better, w/ Kevin I have to yell more, give more time out, sometimes I have to give him a light spanking :) You know, he's 3, that says it all... and Zoey, being the youngest(almost 2) and the only girl she's just being spoiled rotten.
Anyway, I like your idea of the consequence jar, I actually might try that myself!
BTW I LOVE you blog, sorry I rarely leave comments, I know, I'm a bitxx.
geysa! thanks. i actually came on here to delete this post because i felt like it may too personal and it made me come across as a terrible mom but you know what? i know i am a great mom; i just need to work on the yelling and i know everyone has their faults so if others aren't yelling, then i'm sure they have a different flaw.
thanks for relating to me and the situation. it certainly made me feel better. :) we really need to get together. maybe during christmas break would be best.
you are too funny! this is YOUR blog, you're supposed to write about personal things. this is not too personal, you sound normal :)
the reason other kids listen to you and obey immediately is because you don't always ask them to do things. and they want to please you because they're scared of you...wait that's me, they're scared of me. :)
there is no fool proof solution. you've been given some good advice so far so i'll just add my two cents.
it comes down to respect. and that goes both ways.
often we as parents do the very same things to our kids and that promotes the behavior. try talking to them about it. explain how you feel when they respond negatively. ask them how they would feel if it were them asking you to do something and you put them off etc. (great FHE)
eye contact. make sure they are looking at you and they understand the instructions.
explain. "i want you to pick up your dirty clothes now, because i'm doing the laundry." "i need a new diaper now, because i'm in the middle of changing a poopy" (you get it)
try a "yes" day. everybody has to do everything on the first time. evaluate at the end of the day together.
i like the consequence jar idea, but it won't work. you need to flip it to be a positive consequence jar. you want to promote the positive behavior, because that's what you want!!! recognize it!!! have the girls help decide what goes into the jar. make sure it's simple things like: reading a book together, painting nails, etc.
say thank you. we forget to say that for even the simplest things and everyone wants to feel good about what they have done. go overboard even!!! "thank you for helping me with this, you have made this so much easier. i couldn't have done it without your help."
we all go through these things and we can't help one another if we don't know you need the help. keep posting!!!
love ya
camille
Ray I wasn't saying you were an ass in any definition of the word. Quite the contrary. I think you are an amzing mom!
I was trying to make a strong point against yelling. Sorry if I came across too strong :(
I also think that you are a great writer and that you were really asking for help. I was not judging you about yelling, because I am the first to say that I make mistakes daily, I just wanted to share what works with me because I have been in that situation before.
This time of year we overuse the "Santa is watching" threat. It works great!
Speaking of Santa, can i still have a xmas card?
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Raina, you're doing a great job with your kids! I try to give my kids a choice and make sure they understand the consequences. From there it's the following through part that is often painful but important... So far- so good.
Love you!
Ah Raina, everyone yells at their kids SOMETIMES! Though I DO like that I am the lesser yelling parent in our family, not that it matters because our kids don't listen most of the time either. At least ONE of our kids doesn't listen, but I just figured out what we need to do and posted it on my blog...haha! Try it and let me know how it goes :)
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